Offer
If you think this person might need or appreciate help, it is perfectly alright to offer it. What matters is that you ask. Say, "May I help you?" rather than, "Here, let me do that." One is an offer, the other is a command. People are generally not offended by an offer, they are offended by imposition that denies them the right of choice.
It's About Respect First
The interaction around helping, at its essence, is about choice and control. Who gets to decide? When an offer isn't really an offer, but you jump in and just do something — or head towards the person as you "ask" — then you've already decided that you are going to help. This is the most common reason that a person with a disability becomes upset — and the well-meaning helper doesn't understand what they did wrong. The line got crossed, and the "helper" failed to respect the individual's right to decide for themselves whether to accept their help.
The Beauty of a Proper Offer
Someone might not feel comfortable asking for help. If you sense that, then it's perfectly OK to make the offer. It will be very much appreciated. The other side of the coin is also true: since people with an apparent disability field so many offers in their daily lives — often that they don't need — when you can tell they are fine and resist the urge, then you do them a favor. You spare them from having to turn down — or ward off — a helper. Many enjoy interacting with people no matter what, but another might be glad to have one less interaction to deal with.
Not Everyone Is Nice
People with disabilities are, well, people. That means they embody the full range of how people are — and some are just not nice! Someone who is rude in response to an appropriate offer of help might just be having a bad day. Or this might be a person dealing with a recent disability and are coping through anger (not the only approach, by the way). The gravest mistake you can make is to assume that this person is angry because of their disability. If they are just nasty, or you chose your moment badly, then it could have nothing whatsoever to do with disability.
Dmitri, Executive Director, Blindness
The above videos are from Gary Karp's computer-based disability awareness/etiquette course, "Real People. Real Potential."
Learn more at www.RealPeopleRealPotential.com.
Copyright 2015, Gary Karp/Modern Disability
Ed, Attorney, Osteogenesis Imperfecta (Brittle Bones)
