This is a sample new chapter from the just released second edition of
Disability & the Art of Kissing, by Gary Karp.
Q: My partner feels guilty that she is able to have powerful orgasms and I can’t. My body just doesn’t do that and I can’t change it, but I don’t want her to feel bad for me. In fact, I want to get her off as much as possible! How can I help her get over this?
A: This is a very common dynamic of the early stage of a relationship between an able-bodied and a partner with a disability. Take heart—it will come into balance. Depending, that is, on your ability to do some communicating.
There are really two things going on here. One is about wanting to please you, the other is about feeling guilty.
The desire to please is natural and healthy, but guilt—in this case—is about expectations that can’t be met, so it’s a dead end.
It’s understandable for her to have moments of sadness when you don’t feel things as intensely as she does. That will arise, and is entirely natural, and could be a grieving process she needs to get past. That doesn’t mean that such sadness will be a continuing undercurrent of your sexuality. It means she actually loves you.
The pleasures outweigh the sadness if you both let it. Your mission is to get to the place where embracing and enjoying what’s possible is far more important than thinking about what’s not. It’s a little counter-intuitive at first, but hopefully she’ll realize that continue to be guilty and resist her feelings ends up costing you both the level of intimacy that is available to you.
Guilt gets you nowhere. It suggests that she thinks that fully enjoying herself would somehow upset you or be unfair. That’s the thing you can do something about, by letting her know that you don’t have those feelings.
Some people with disabilities who are not fully orgasmic find that they savor the powerful reactions of their partners. In fact, some report that they feel like they get to go along for the ride, in a sense.
So, how much do you want her to get off as best she can? Where is the point that, by fully enjoying herself, she is actually giving you an erotic experience that you value? She should be able to let go of some of that guilt if she understands that her pleasure is actually a source of real satisfaction for you, which is what she wants in the first place.
This by no means suggests that you’re not due your own full measure of pleasure or that she should not be doing her share of what you enjoy.
Have you taken the time to get to know your own body and responses? Have you let her know what you want? Or asked her to try out some things to see what they’re like? When you clearly define what sex is for you and what satisfies you, then she’ll know that you’re getting what you want, and the guilt button will become that much less sensitive.
Your goal, I would think, would be for each of you to enjoy yourself to the full extent of your respective capacities. So if you’re getting what’s possible for you—and the amount of it you want—then she’s done her job, so to speak.
She’s apparently not being selfish in bed, since she’s concerned with your satisfaction. If she’s being a generous lover and not hogging the pleasure, then let her know that you’re accepting of what you’re receiving and experiencing, and that she’s not taking more than her share. Make sure she feels appreciated, and that you take pleasure in her pleasure.
It takes an able-bodied partner time to get used to the idea that they can be pleasing a disabled partner without making the earth move for them. If being licked gently on the neck or your nipples for fifteen minutes is what pleases you, she needs to know that it’s essentially your version of orgasm. She needs to learn that your standard of arousal and satisfaction is just different. She may be projecting a greater sense of loss on your part than you actually experience.
This assumes, of course, that you’ve reached a degree of acceptance about what you can and cannot feel. If you’re frustrated yourself and wanting more, then how can she ever feel she’s pleasing you? How can she ever get past her guilt—which we have to remember come from her desire to love you the best she can—if you can’t get past your own feelings of loss? Just as sadness is an understandable reaction at times, it’s reasonable for you to have moments where simply nothing is enough. That’s part of the emotional map of any relationship. But if frustration is your primary reaction to sex, then neither of you will be able to fully relax into the process. Acceptance of your body’s limits—and your question seems to suggest you’ve done this—is the key to reaching the optimum experience possible.
Sexuality taps into deep emotions. In a whole relationship, that’s what should actually be happening when it’s at its best. It’s how we learn about each other, how we express love and caring. The more you’re able to see this in those terms and open up communication, the more you’ll both get free of any overriding sense of loss and guilt and be able to follow the satisfying and empowering feelings that naturally arise in the context of authentic intimacy.
